“You don’t want to marry a girl who can hit like a man” — A sketch with 3 voices
– Get your gun.
– I’m watching…
-Get your gun to show the boy.
-Hit that record thing for me.
-I said, Go get your gun.
-You work that thing then.
-I got it, Grams. I’ll make sure you don’t miss any of your show.
– All right then.
– She’ll be back before anything happens. Ain’t nothing happens on that show anyway. Talk, talk, talk, they go on.
– You sit here for it, Grandpa.
– Where am I going to go? Out back in the cold? On the bed? I don’t get up, I won’t get fed. That will make her happy.
– She’s coming back with a gun. She can shoot you.
– That gun hasn’t shot anything for a hundred years. I don’t know that it ever shot anything.
– Why’s Gram got it?
– It’s an heirloom, she says.
– There, see, she missed that.
– That girl can hit like a man. You don’t want to marry a girl who can hit like a man.
– How do you find out before you marry her?
– You got to make her angry enough to hit you.
– What if she gets so angry she don’t want to marry you?
– Any woman who gets that angry with a man wants to marry him. That’s how they work.
– That’s why it works for you and Gram, Grandpa?
– Why what works?
– Why is it still in the box? You got to show it to the boy.
– I’m not going to walk down the hall with a gun in my hand! What if someone calls the police?
– She thinks someone is going to call the police. That’s stupid. Like people are looking in our window all the time? That’s what she used to think. Made us move every year because people were looking in at us.
– They didn’t like Jews.
– I’m not a Jew.
– I didn’t say they didn’t like you.
– What’s that it’s wrapped in, Gram?
– I miss anything in my show?
– A fat darkie hammered that pretty TV boy you like so much.
– That’s kind of what happened, Gram.
– Don’t you be defending him too. He’s bad enough. Look at him smile.
– Gram, why do you have gun?
– It’s my heirloom. It’ll be yours someday, when I leave it to you.
– What’s it an heirloom for?
– My father bought it when he got off the boat. That was the first thing he wanted to do. A Jew can buy a gun in America, he told me. In America.
– What did he do with it?
– He went off to rob a bank.
– That’s not nice Grandpa.
– Why are you laughing, son?
– I don’t know. Maybe he did.