“I’ve been in that place”

by DRM

After Van Gogh

Baby, I know what it’s like to be in that boy’s head.

I’ve been there.

Not the guns and stuff.  Not killing kids.  That’s fucking sick.  

But I’ve been in that place the kid got to.

Tell you?  I can’t fucking tell you. It’s too painful to remember.

Can tell you what I was thinking.  The whole school sitting in the dining hall, the teachers and the priests looking like fucking moppets, preening and smiling. The noise is eating my brain away. An army of rats chewing through my skull.  I can’t hear a single thing though.

I’m just figuring out where to cut that big beam over the room so it will crack and crash onto the table.  Crush them.  They’ll stop smiling.  They’ll all fucking scream. They’ll all stop smiling.

I can’t stand the fucking smiles.

That’s the thinking.

It hurts. You just want to run away from it.  

Who knows where the fuck you’ll run to.

Whatever happened inside that kid’s brain was him running into a dark place and there was nobody who could pull him out and he didn’t have any clue why he was there.  That’s just fucking crazy and it’s out there for every one of us.  We just looked fucking crazy in the eyes and it burns up our soul.

What?  No, I’m not going to do something like that you stupid shit.  It just kills me to know that I’ve got some part of that monster in me.